It is so not pretty

Today's weigh in was so NOT pretty. :( That ticker at the top. Yep, it's been updated. Yup, I'm almost in the 180s. Yup, I'm disgusted with myself. Yes, I want to make a change. Something has to change. But I'm just not sure I can do it.

Dilemma One:

I need to start eating right. But eating bad is so good! But it doesn't make me feel good. :( It makes me feel fat and ugly and is just not good for me. But why does the bad food have to taste so good! And you know what, it's not just that it tastes good. Right now, it's all about convenience! I hate to say it but I'm getting tired of coming home at 5:30 when dh has been home for an hour and nothing has been done. And the first thing out of his mouth is what's for dinner. Ugh. I think I need to get him to start meal planning and cooking. He said he would cook if I had a meal plan but I don't know what he'll cook. If I plan something that he doesn't know he won't cook it. Ugh.

Dilemma Two:

Exercise. Enough said. I have no idea when to fit it in. I get up at 4:30am and I don't get to rest until 9pm. There is not time between those hours that I can fit it in. So I either don't get to sit down and rest or what??? I would like to watch tv at some point in time. I would like to start running again too but at 9pm at night? Or 4am. I think I'll have to wake up at 4am. But I don't think it would be wise to go running outside at that hour. So that means I have to do videos. Ugh. I'm just not a video exercise person. I guess I'm going to have to start to be.

Dilemma Three:

Out of control. I just feel like my life is out of control right now. With Connor starting Kindergarten and not doing very well at drop off, I'm at a loss and I can't control it. I can control my eating which is causing me to over eat. Don't ask me how that works. You'd think I'd want to control it and be limiting on my intake but I'm the opposite. Ugh. I need my world to stop spinning out of control and I don't see that happening anytime soon. Can I have the world stop so I can step off and take a break??

So those are just a few of the things I'm dealing with right now. I've got to stop it and fast. I'm disgusted with myself. I look like a big fat blob. My clothes don't fit. I'm wearing the same outfits every week because they are the only clothes that fit me. I had to buy XXL t-shirts yesterday at Target (granted they are tight fitting shirts that I wanted to be lose so maybe at the beginning of this year I would have bought a L instead but still!). Ugh. Baby steps. One day a time. I will get back to that healthy Heather that I once knew and loved.